Antkind

Chapter 1

My beard is a wonder. It is the beard of Whitman, of Rasputin, of Darwin, yet it is uniquely mine. It s a salt-­and-pepper, steel-­wool, cotton-­candy confection, much too long, wispy, and unruly to be fashionable. And it is this, its very unfashionability, that makes the strongest statement. It says, I don t care a whit (a Whitman!) about fashion. I don t care about attractiveness. This beard is too big for my narrow face. This beard is too wide. This beard is too bottom-­heavy for my bald head. It is off-­putting. So if you come to me, you come to me on my terms. As I ve been bearded thusly for three decades now, I like to think that my beard has contributed to the resurgence of beardedness, but in truth, the beards of today are a different animal, most so fastidious they require more grooming than would a simple clean shave. Or if they are full, they are full on conventionally handsome faces, the faces of faux woodsmen, the faces of home brewers of beer. The ladies like this look, these urban swells, men in masculine drag. Mine is not that. Mine is defiantly heterosexual, unkempt, rabbinical, intellectual, revolutionary. It lets you know I am not interested in fashion, that I am eccentric, that I am serious. It affords me the opportunity to judge you on your judgment of me. Do you shun me? You are shallow. Do you mock me? You are a philistine. Are you repulsed? You are . . . conventional.

That it conceals a port-­wine stain stretching from my upper lip to my sternum is tertiary, secondary at most. This beard is my calling card. It is the thing that makes me memorable in a sea of sameness. It is the feature in concert with my owlish wire-­rim glasses, my hawkish nose, my sunken blackbird eyes, and my bald-­eagle pate that makes me caricaturable, both as a bird and as a human. Several framed examples from various small but prestigious film criticism publications (I refuse to be photographed for philosophical, ethical,

Charlie Kaufman is the screenwriter of many films, such as Anomalisa; Synecdoche, New York; Adaptation; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; and Being John Malkovich. He won an Academy Award for his work on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and has been nominated three additional times. Kaufman is also a three-time BAFTA winner for screenwriting, and he has been nominated for three Golden Globe Awards, among many other film honors.

There is something about this book s extravagantly appointed lunacy that makes the lunacy of real life feel (briefly) more manageable. The Wall Street Journal

Outrageously funny . . . a dyspeptic satire that owes much to Kurt Vonnegut and Thomas Pynchon . . . propelled by Kaufman s deep imagination, considerable writing ability and bull s-eye wit. The Washington Post

An astonishing creation . . . riotously funny . . .  exceptionally good. The New York Times Book Review

A sight to behold . . . Kaufman is a master of language. NPR

"Kaufman successfully blends the brain-wrapping narrative complexity of a Reddit wormhole with the laugh-a-page aplomb of Kurt Vonnegut. Entertainment Weekly

Antkind is Kaufman pushing himself to every formal and social limit, no holds barred, bleak and devastating, yet marvelous. Los Angeles Review of Books

This is a whopper of a book, bursting with the driest of humor, the strangest of scenarios, and the most brilliant of observations. It is wholly original, maddening, and marvelous. Susan Orlean, author of The Library Book

"Antkind is unbridled Kaufman energy and wit coming up against the limits of the imagination itself: discursive, subversive, and genuinely funny." Joshua Ferris, author of Then We Came to the End
 
Each page is so stuffed with invention, audacity, and hilarity, it feels like an act of defiance. Antkind is a fever dream you don t want to be shaken awake from, a thrill ride that veers down stranger and stranger alleys until you find yourself in a reality so kaleidoscopic you will question your own sanity. Maria Semple, author of Where d You Go, Bernadette

Magnificent, genius, enraging, mysterious, joyous, terrifying, and, above all, hilarious! Within its pages, Antkind might contain the universe. Andrew Sean Greer, Pulitzer Prize winning author of Less

A tribute