The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women

The Perfectionist s View of Competence

For the Perfectionist, there is a single focus, and that is how something is done. Your competence rule book is quite straightforward. I should deliver an unblemished performance 100 percent of the time. Every aspect of my work must be exemplary. Nothing short of perfect is acceptable. When you fail to measure up to these unrealistically high standards, it only confirms your feelings of impostorism.

Some Perfectionists hold only themselves to these exacting standards, while others impose them on other people. At home the latter might sound like this: No, honey, that s not how you fold a towel this is how you fold a towel. There is a right and wrong way to do everything, from packing the car for vacation to preparing a project plan. Since no one can measure up to your precise standards, your motto is If you want something done right, you ve got to do it yourself. When you do delegate, you are often frustrated and disappointed at the results.

To be clear, perfectionism is not the same as a healthy drive to excel. You can seek excellence without demanding perfection. More important, non-Perfectionists will attempt difficult challenges and feel okay about themselves afterward whether they succeed or not. And they re flexible enough to redefine success as the situation warrants. That s not to say they aren t disappointed if they fail. But as long as they gave it their best shot there is no shame. Not so for the Perfectionist.

Indeed, for you just the opposite occurs. Quality-wise, Perfectionists always go for the gold, the A+, the top spot. Anything less and you subject yourself to harsh inner criticism, often experiencing deep shame at your perceived failure. Precisely because there is such shame in failing, you may avoid altogether attempting anything new or difficult. After all, get­ting things right takes a lot of effort, energy, and aggravation. It s much easier not to even try than to put

Valerie Young is co-founder of Impostor Syndrome Institute. An internationally recognized expert for four decades, she has delivered her Rethinking Impostor Syndrome program to over half a million people at such diverse organizations as Pfizer, Google, NASA, Harvard, Stanford, and Oxford. Young earned her doctoral degree from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, where she helped found the Social Justice Education program, a forerunner to today s DE&I training. Although her early research focused on professional women over half of whom were women of color much of the original findings have proven applicable to anyone with impostor feelings. Her book has been reprinted in five languages.

[Valerie] Young s extremely perceptive and action-oriented solutions shine. . . . A can t-miss primer for businesswomen everywhere. Publishers Weekly (starred review)

The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women examines a common affliction and offers tools, insight, scientific evidence, and numerous examples that aim to banish the impostor for good. Valerie Young s diligence, passion for the subject, and belief that anyone can overcome feelings of inadequacy, duplicity, and unworthiness rings loudly throughout The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women. New York Journal of Books

Dr. Young is a mapmaker. She inspires us to go for it by providing guidelines to make success a choice based on our values rather than on our fear of incompetence. This book is a gift to the millions who want to replace fear and suffering with excitement and joy in their achievements. I am recommending it to all my clients and students who suffer with impostor feelings. Suzanne Imes, Ph.D., co-coiner of the impostor phenomenon

Valerie Young s book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, provides important insights into the impostor experience of very competent women. She provides important knowledge that can help women begin to truly appreciate and acclaim their success. Pauline Rose Clance, Ph.D., ABPP, co-coiner of the impostor phenomenon

Self-doubt is common, but when it impedes you from attaining your goals, it s time to take action. This book shows you how to move beyond feeling like an impostor so that you can achieve your full personal and professional potential. Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D., author of Nice Girls Just Don t Get It and Nice Girls Don t Get the Corner Office

The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women is as important as The Feminine Mystique. Quite simply, if you are a woman or love one this book belongs in your library. Barbara J. Winter, author of Making a Living Without a Job