Back To Sovietsky (ePub)

"Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be free," but don't bring us Vladimir Ruska! But that's just what happened. Yes, Vladimir Ruska, the Russian shiftless, corner cutter, came to America to achieve success. But he couldn't even keep his janitor's job. In less than a year, he got kicked out of the U.S for violating his visa, and for piling up thousands of dollars in unpaid traffic tickets.

But that is just the start of the saga of Vladimir Ruska. He may be lazy, but he is not stupid. So, he returned to his small, impoverished town in rural Russia, and led his relatives on a journey to a brilliant, new enterprise. They started an unbelievably successful ripoff of McDonalds, called McRuskies. It worked. It allowed Vladimir the opportunity to move back to America, and this time, with an improved, new, positive attitude. Yes! He ultimately became a successful model Russian immigrant in the USA. And four years later, Vladimir and his entire family emigrated to the U.S. Maybe they don't speak perfect English, but they have the determination to make it in America. They end up running "Babushka's Chop House" in Brighton Beach, New York. The story features all the flavor and fun of native Russians attempting to speak the English language. Here's an example, when Vladimir returns home to Gorzichistan:

VLADIMIR: "Oh yes, cameras everywhere in USA. You go to bank. They watch you. You go to store, they watch you. You buy gas for car, they watch you. You dump ol' paint in river, they watch you . . . and put you in jail!"

BORIS: "Who watching you?"

VLADIMIR: "The 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'."

YURI: "Oh yeah, we hear dat on news. You go to da outhouse and who is watching you?"

STASIK: "The 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'."

BABUSHKA: "So we got KGB, FSB. And America got 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'. Everyting same wherever you go. No different. Right Grandpa?"

Grandpa, who worked in the Russian coal mines all his life, takes a deep breath and heaves up a resounding, gurgling persistent cough."

GRANDPA: "Eeeh! Ahhhh! Ehhhgheghhheeee!

BABUSHKA: ". . . See? . . . He say yes!"